Being raised in a Catholic Arab household, the subject of sex was considered taboo. The mere mention of sex outside of marriage was sinful, blasphemous, and would be met with reprehensible scolding. This left me, an Arab American woman, to feel absolute shame when I lost my virginity at 17. Losing one’s virginity, as pictured in movies and shows is a step towards adulthood; a rite of passage. But, to me, it was shameful. I was raised to believe that going against the word of God was an automatic ticket to an eternity of misery.
That is why, to this day, at the age of 24, I still grapple with being able to feel comfortable in my sexuality and not feel this complete restraint with my sexual partners. To this day, regardless if I am in a committed relationship, I have yet to experience an orgasm with any sexual partner. To say the least, it is not only infuriating but has also made me question my ability to be a sexually liberated woman.
Frustrated with the constant struggle of feeling like my body was dysfunctional, I began doing as much research about how to accept my body on my own terms. From porn to vibrators, I slowly began to feel comfortable in my own skin when no one was around. Finally, I had accomplished something on my own. Finally, I had taken on small step in understanding my desires, my needs and my sensations. I wanted to discover my so-called “sexual awakening” without compromising my own faith. Since then, my journey has been one of putting my needs first, putting the way I practice my faith first, and most importantly, putting years of shame that I felt to rest.