The spring is a time that’s meant for new beginnings. When vegetation seeks new life after many months of lying dormant. This was my favorite time of the year. It was 2015. There was snow on the peaks of the mountains but deep inside the valley it was beginning to warm up. The smell of fresh cut grass, temperatures beginning to rise and barbecues encapsulated the air. I felt so alive. I guess feeling alive is a risk you take knowing that with life comes death.
He wrapped his hand around my neck as I tried to gain the strength to push him off. We were in my bed, in my room, in my home. In a place that once housed a soul that leapt at new opportunity and forged ahead with every road block. I knew every nook and cranny of that room yet in that moment I lost all awareness of where I was. Of who I was. Of what was happening. You always hear about fight or flight as a response to stress but no one ever talks about freezing. In that moment time stopped. I could hear the silence of my soul. I was hyperaware of my dog shaking right next to me as this stranger, this psychological terrorist penetrated past the tears and the constant “no’s” and “stop’s”. Even though I knew what was happening that was the better option compared to the terror I had endured with him for hours leading up to this moment. I thought my life would end if I didn’t give into what he wanted. I knew whatever he would do to me, as long as I got to keep my life, was manageable to go through.
See, I had been thrown from horses starting at a young age. I had gotten wrecked from snowboarding more times than I could count. I endured the divorce of my seemingly happy parents at the age of sixteen. I knew pain only lasted as long as you gave it purpose. I knew that once you allowed the warrior inside of you to take over, that pain would subside as long as you kept pushing forward. That night I knew I could endure the pain. But I also knew I would have to make the decision to not become a victim and succumb to the notion that I was now a statistic. I wanted more for myself. I wanted more for the countless people who had gone through what I had just gone through. It took me two weeks to fully remember what transpired that spring night in my home. Activated by the touch of my mother on the nape of my neck, I fell to the floor. The dam had broken and the memories flooded as I wept on the living room floor.
He had called me to his house that night stating he was going to kill himself with a gun he kept under his bed. I had known this individual for a few months and had only gone on a few dates with him but his reputation held up within the group I had recently joined to go snowboarding on the weekends with. I trusted that if he were no good, they would warn me. No warning came and that’s when I found myself driving to his house at 10:00PM that spring night. I remember him trying to jump out of my car on the freeway, punching the dashboard of my new car so hard I thought the airbag would deploy; I wish it had of. The verbal abuse followed by the wincing every time his fist made contact with my car thinking at any moment I would be a victim of abuse by some psycho having a mental breakdown on some lone highway in the Las Vegas desert late at night. Somehow, someway, the narcissist did what narcissists do best and convinced me the best safest place for him was at my house. I should have known better. That would be the least safe place for myself. But when you have a heart of gold and only want to see the best in people you let inhibition take the backseat.
I struggled for years with trusting myself after that. I felt as though I allowed that event to happen. I lost hope in my decision making abilities and surrendered to the stress that vacated my body, mind and soul. Even though I was having a difficult time internally with the event, I kept hearing my dad’s voice when he would yell at me from across the arena as I rode around on some show jumper horse. “Remember, if you fall off, you will get back on.” I didn’t know it then but that would become the very theme in which I would live by every day. I knew I was a warrior and I knew I had what it took to overcome this. To go to battle with myself and not stop fighting until I had come out on the other side. I wouldn’t stop until I dissected every part of that night, every feeling I felt, every fear that took precedence over living a happy life. I had developed a sense of control over everything and everyone but knew this wasn’t a sustainable way to live.
In July of 2019 I knew I took the oath to make a change. I needed to become a part of a bigger force of individuals who came from all different backgrounds and stories. I knew I would find at least one soul who identified with what I had gone through. I joined to give up control. Surrender to the notion that I thought I had the power to control everything. Foolish thinking, really. We all know who really controls all things. Through joining the Army, I have found a space in which I can engulf all of what I had gone through and let it be the driving force to do better for myself. I knew I never wanted to be a number or a statistic. I wanted to be a warrior mentally and physically. Through making the vow to my future self to be better and never give in to a moment of pain, I thrived. I tell myself every day that my mind will quit before my body will. And that is what keeps me pushing to embrace the everyday suck of my metaphysical mind.
I no longer pay mind to the moments of comfortability. Instead I meet them with arms wide open, staring them dead in the soul ready to thrive deep outside the confines of the safe walls I had put up in the past to protect myself. What was once one of the worst things I could have imagined going through opened the doors to living a life well beyond any measure I could have mustered up for myself. I graduated college, joined the Army, went back to school for my masters. Tackled real life problems in a more proactive yet still human way. Till this day, I have vowed to take on problems that arise with my fists up rather than shivering in the corner letting the outcome decide itself. I hold the reigns in my hands. I get to decide how this game of life is played.